Life - Love - Books

Judgement

2012-01-29T16:43:00.000-08:00

So one of my worst flaws is that I have a tendency to be judgmental. I don't remember being judgmental growing up. I made friends with a lot of people, young and old, and was popular with my peers. It didn't start until I started getting picked on and feeling judged by others. So I realized that every time I get all Judgy McJudgerson on others I am allowing the people who put me down to continue to have a foothold in my life. I need to reign in my thoughts and especially my words and remind myself that they didn't know me then anymore than I know some people now - and they deserve the same respect I wish I had known growing up.

On the weight loss front - I need to take it to the next level. I'm not noticing enough changes - and I know I could be working out more and eating less. Still, I've lost at least a pound every week - so I'm happy for that - I just want to be losing 2-5 lbs. every week or I won't meet my goal by the end of the year.

Making Changes

2012-01-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

I've been doing good this week with my ex. We've had some good back and forth emails with each other, being friendly but able to do so without wanting more or wishing for something different. I'm glad we can be friends and, so far, are making it work. It's nice, because I don't miss him so much anymore, and I don't miss our relationship as much either. We are definitely better off as just friends - we can enjoy the things we like in common without having to care that we don't share the same values system.

Things are going mostly good with the weight loss. Lost 2 more lbs. this week, but I wish it would go faster. I feel like at the beginning it should be. I think I should be losing more like 3-5 lbs each week and I'm not. Which frustrates me. I can understand things slowing down as I get closer to my goal weight - but now? I know I should be thankful for any loss, a loss is a loss after all - but I'm in a rush to at least get back down to where I was - about 200 - 30 lbs. less than now - so I can wear more of the clothes I already own. Not to buy more clothes, not to look cute for summer - not yet - just to be able to wear clothes I already own and expand my wardrobe options to what they should be . . .

I'm not willing to cut out any more food. I like to eat. I watch what I eat, but I want to enjoy it too. Starvation diets or limiting diets would never work for me . . .

So the only way to get things moving faster is for me to get moving. I've been trying to do at least 10 minutes of exercise each day - with more sustained periods on Wednesdays and Saturdays . . . I think I need to bump that up to 30 minutes or more each day. I'd like to burn at least 3500 calories (one lb of fat) each week from working out alone. The hard thing is finding the time, when I have school and work and homework and house work . . . . I wish I had the money and the room for my own elliptical. I think I would definitely use it while watching TV in the evenings - especially during the winter when i have a harder time motivating myself to go for a walk or go to the gym in the snow. I could definitely save up for one, but I still wouldn't have a place to put it.

So for now, it's the gym, the weights I have at home and things I can do around my neighborhood . . .

Positive Thoughts

2012-01-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

Trying to send some positive thoughts out into the universe . . .

I will meet the man I will marry someday soon, this year in fact - I may even know him already . . .

He will chase me, pursue me, love me and feel lucky just to be with me . . .

We will share the values of clean living, green living, honesty, generosity, liberty, education and frugality . . .

He will have an amazing sense of humor and like hockey and camping and music . . .

He will be a Christian, but not super religious . . .

I will meet the man I will marry someday soon, this year in fact - I may even know him already . . .

He will want kids, he will want me to be the mother of his children, and I will want him to be their father . . .

He will have a good career that he enjoys or be going down the path towards one . . .

I will meet the man I will marry someday soon, this year in fact - I may even know him already . . .

He will love me as I am, faults and all, and will make me want to be a better person, but not shame me into being a better person - he would never belittle me . . .

I will be his #1 cheerleader and love him as he is, faults and all, and he will want to be a better person because of me and I will support, love and cheer for him all the way . . .

We will be equal partners who respect one another and treat one another with love . . .

He won't be afraid to apologize when he's wrong - and neither will I . . .

I will meet the man I will marry someday soon, this year in fact - I may even know him already . . .

He will pursue me, feel lucky to have me, he won't want to lose me - Ever! He will love me and I will love him. And we will live (more or less) happily ever after . . .

I will meet him, this year, and I may even know him already!

Give Her the Work of Her Hands

2012-01-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

I sold my first item on Etsy today, and to a perfect stranger to boot. At first I was thrilled (and I still am a little), but then was a little melancholy about it too. Things are going well. I'm making and selling things, doing stuff that makes me a better homemaker and yet I am not one, not wholly anyway. I'm a homemaker for myself, but not a wife and definitely not a mother. While I'm glad to be selling my creative wares it puts things in perspective too.

For whatever reason this also got me angry with Nathan (when it comes to the stages of grief I've been across the board). I felt like we were getting close to that and he yanked the rug out from under me by lying to me, refusing to move (forward in his career and down to be with me) and refusing to quit smoking.

I still hope and believe that my next relationship will be with the man I will marry . . . but selling my first item on Etsy made me impatient to meet that man and get our lives started together already.

Doing This Thing

2012-01-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

Been sick for about a week, so I went to the doctor today to see about getting some prescription strength cough medicine. As part of my work up they took my vitals including height and weight. I've lost 12 lbs. since the last time I weighed myself over a month ago. I know I didn't lose all of that just in these last few days that I've been very consciously good about my calories and exercising. So that makes me feel good.

I've been the "fat" girl since 6th grade, though I'd give my left breast (almost - I do really like my boobs) to weigh what I did back then, or even in high school. Family stress (financial issues that had us on food stamps and nearly evicted from our house) and school stress (underachieving in reading, getting the only F I've ever had in my life) and peer stress (changing friends and beginning to be picked on) and biological change (ahh, puberty) all seemed to climax in 5th grade and started me down the road to gaining weight.

Though I was a varsity cheerleader in high school and was in decent shape, I was the biggest girl on the squad and wore a size 13 uniform (that never fit my boobs - apparently all cheerleaders are supposed to be flat chested and I clearly was no). I quit after my sophomore year, and by senior year I was a woman's size 16. In college I gained more weight. I'm a Coke addict and having those soda fountains in the cafeteria with all you can drink cola were more temptation than I was prepared to handle. Got up to an 18, then I lost a little weight during my Jan term health and wellness class and kept it up for a couple months got back down to a 16 that was a little loose. Then junior year hit me like a Mack truck. Both of my parents lost their jobs, I had to take two part time jobs in addition to my 18 semester hour course load including 3 performance obligations each semester, choir, symphonic winds and theatre (I was on scholarship for vocal, instrumental and theatre performance). I was having roommate issues, feeling really depressed about turning 20 still without having ever been kissed. (First kisses happen for most girls when they are still teenagers right? Who goes 24 year without having a SINGLE man interested in her enough to kiss her?). Was so busy and stressed with everything that I never worked out, drove to class instead of walking so I could get more sleep, and started eating out a lot.

I did a semester abroad for my senior "year" and graduated a semester early. By then my parents had to sell our home here in CO and move in with extended family in TX. It was cramped, stressful, we lived on food stamps and their savings. I worked as a substitute teacher and temp data entry clerk and made just enough money to pay my own debt (that I'd racked up having to pay my own way the year before).

Then I moved to Kentucky for an internship in the fall of 2007 (seems so recent, hard to believe it's been over 4 years now . . . ). While I was there I joined the Y and started working out, didn't weigh myself, but I remember that I could tell in my face that I was losing weight and other people noticed too. After my internship I moved back to CO, found a gym and got down to 190. The lowest weight I can remember in recent memory. I worked out 2-3 times per week, and it was then that I met Nathan.

But I was working 50-60 hours a week just to make ends meet, and fell behind when I lost a roommate and wasn't able to find a new one for a few months. Having to pay that all by myself was a disaster. I even went to a food bank once month to eat because I couldn't afford to get food and pay my rent and utilities. Cancelled my gym membership and all my credit cards, applied to grad school and started making in roads to having a career that I could enjoy AND make a good enough living to never have to worry about being there again. But over the last two years, and especially since last winter, I drank way too much soda (always my vice) and didn't work out hardly at all. As you can see from this blog, things with Nathan were tempestuous and stressful. School, while enjoyable, added its own stresses, and I think, on many levels, I allowed myself to give up. I had a man who loved me and was attracted to me physically just the way I was and I let that be an excuse to let myself go.

So here I am, trying again, to lose the weight. Only now even bigger than when Nathan and I began. I was a 16/18 then and just under 200 lbs. Now I'm a 20 and, as of today, 233 lbs. My goal is to get down to at least 145, and maybe 135 - depending on how I look. (As silly as it may seem, I don't want my boobs to become deflated balloons and being a size 8/10 or 6/8 sounds perfectly lovely to me - I've never wanted to be a stick, just healthier and able to wear the clothes I'd like to wear).

I know it's the new year and it's the cliche thing to do. It's also pretty cliche for someone who just broke up after a long term committed relationship. But it's something I need and want to do. To get down to where I was 3 years ago, and to go ever further this time. Already at least 12 lbs. down, that's 1/10 of the way there!

I'm ashamed of myself for letting it get as bad as it did, but also proud of myself for already making it better and recommitting to the process.

I'm all cried out and it's time to rejuvenate and fix myself so I'm both physically and emotionally healthy for my next (and hopefully last) relationship when it happens.

All Cried Out?

2012-01-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

Listening to music tonight thinking about how things went down with Nathan and realizing that I may be all out of tears now . . . After crying so much and so hard the last two weeks I'm finally running out of tears and beginning to feel ready to move on. Though I know I'm not ready yet. I find myself dwelling on the good things - not that I should dwell only on the bad things - but that I should balance the two and see the relationship as it really was and for all the very good reasons we ended it.

So I thought it would be a helpful exercise for me to list the bad things to balance out my missing of the cuddling and movie dates . . .

1) The straw that broke the camel's back - he smokes pot fairly regularly, and I will never be okay with that. What's more, he was dishonest about it and led me to believe it was something he no longer did and has still not been up front about how often he actually does it. It smells gross and it's a health hazard, it's still illegal and it probably contributes to his moodiness and lack of motivation about changing careers. And in the end, he'd rather keep smoking pot than be with me - he was unwilling to compromise, much less quit outright.

2) He lacks ambition. When we first started dating he talked about how he wanted to change careers and I was (and am) very supportive of his goals and want him to find a career where he can both make a living AND enjoy what he does every day. But two and a half years later, he has made no active effort to change his career. He could have finished an associate's degree by now!

3) He is moody. Some days the littlest thing would set him off, and it seemed no matter how hard I tried I couldn't go for more than 2 weeks at a stretch without pissing him off in some way.

4) He was unkind when we fought. He would curse and yell and belittle me and call me names. He didn't respect me or care enough to fight fair. (I'm not sure he has the ability because of his upbringing, so I have a level of empathy for that - but he didn't seem willing to try and make a change for the better).

5) When we fought he'd often call me stupid or ignorant and wouldn't own anything that was his fault, it was always me that had apologize and promise change to get things back to good.

6) It often seemed like he was only interested in me and our relationship when it was convenient for him. If I was in a rough spot and needed some support, love and reassurance he would tell me I was being too needy. But then expected me to drop everything for him and would get annoyed if I was busy and it took a while to reply to his emails or texts.

7) We didn't speak each other's love languages and when his is physical touch and mine is quality time, being so far apart only made things worse.

8) He never made any real steps towards moving down here, though we would talk about it and discuss dates, the dates would come and go and he would be full of excuses about why he couldn't move yet. He also never once came down to see me just to be together, there was always a disc golf tournament involved. While I wanted to do my part and come up to see him, each date I suggested was pushed off until flights were too expensive for me or something else came up.

9) We do not share the same values about some important things, including the aforementioned pot use. He's not a Christian (though he led me to believe he was in the very beginning). He would be perfectly okay if our teenage children drank, I would not. I have no moral opposition against drinking, but I think drinking (and sex, and drugs) is something that teenagers lack the maturity to handle in a safe way. He wasn't really sure if he wanted kids, he knew I do and went along with it, though he is ambivalent.

10) He pressured me to have sex before I really felt ready - I wanted to wait until he moved down here at least, and preferably until we were engaged or even married. While I enjoyed our physical relationship a great deal, I wish we'd waited longer, especially now that we're broken up. I had sex with him to bring us closer together and because I thought we could be forever.

Ahh, well, guess I'm not cried out afterall. There are the tears again. I don't want to disparage him or paint the picture that he is an awful person. I'm sure there is someone out there for him, who will share his values and laid back sensibilities - but that person is not me. I still care about him as a person and wish nothing but the best for him, and hope that we can build a decent friendship on the things we still share in common . . . but liking camping and hockey and even agreeing on financial stuff and the types of places we'd want to live is not enough to build a marriage on. I'm gad we figured it out now instead of later, though I wish he'd been more honest with me from the beginning because I wouldn't have wasted his time or mine, I'd still have my virginity to give to my future spouse and I wouldn't have broken his heart and my own.

I hope this new year brings healing for us both and that we both find the type of person we really need - who both loves us and shares the values necessary to build a life together.

Left Behind

2011-12-24T21:31:00.000-08:00

Trying not to be whiney today and to be thankful for all that I have - it is the holidays afterall - but I'm mostly feeling really disappointed in how my life has gone. It's almost enough to make me go running back to a man that I know is no good for me in the long run . . . at least he kinda liked me and pursued me at the beginning . . .

I know I deserve to be loved the way I see my friends finding, but I can't help but feel that I will never know it myself. Feel hopeless.

Please, please, please God - my one desire is to be wife and mom, to be loved as I am for all that I am and to love and give myself in return . . .

Time For Some Change

2011-12-19T13:43:00.000-08:00

Breaking up with the boy is just added motivation to take care of the biggest major change I have been wanting to make for 10 years now - to lose weight!

My ideal weight according to Self would be 130, but my own goal is 135-140 . . . which is the upper end of the ideal range of 105-140. To achieve and maintain that weight I need to eat about 1500 calories a day.

Today I'm still just too depressed to do anything about it, but I know what I need to do. This should be the bottom. I need to stay here for a bit to get back on my feet, hoping it'll be all up from here.

Breaking Up and Making Up

2011-12-18T21:46:00.000-08:00

Had a tough conversation this week that should have happened a lot sooner and resulted in another break up with my LD boyfriend . . .

Even though it hurt to lose a dream, thought we could have been together forever but for this one thing that he won't give up and that I can't tolerate . . . but in the end, if the thing is more important than his relationship with me then it's clearly time to do. I don't feel bitter about it, it's really just different values in the end. I do feel sad though, especially since it happened so suddenly.

I don't want to get back together this time though - I don't want to compromise anymore. Sure, compromise can be a good thing, but when you start compromising your deeply held values, it's just going to make one, the other or both of you regret the choice in the long run and feel resentful to the other person . . .

You can't base a marriage on resentment and regret . . . and you can't live a life with someone when you don't see eye to eye on such an important issue, no matter how much you truly love them. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to let them go.

I actually prayed this time (the first time I've prayed something for myself in over a year), I prayed that his heart would heal and that we could be friends, but that he wouldn't come crawling back to me after having some time to cool off. Because if he were to do that, I'd have to hurt him and I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to have to turn him away.

So here I am, at an age when I honestly thought I'd be having my first kid or at least getting married, alone again and back at square one . . .

I can't even begin to imagine myself in another relationship right now - especially with grad school nearly over, who knows where I'll be in 6 months. I hope where ever I land, that God remembers me, and remembers the desire of my heart to be married and raise a family - and that where ever I live next he has the right man waiting for me.

Please, God, I don't ask for much - but for this one thing I've been begging earnestly for years. I'm always going to want a family of my own. Please remember my prayer and look with favor upon me.

Moving up and Moving out

2011-08-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

Started my new job in a school library two weeks ago now. So far, so good, but I know I still have a lot to learn, and the kids have only been in school for a week - there is so much school year left to go.

In other news my almost brand new roommates are moving out. They've only been here for two months, but have decided they don't like the house. I won't lie, the house has issues. It's old, it goes with the territory. But most houses in this neighborhood are like that, unless they've been remodeled. But those remodeled houses also cost more for the owners and are therefore more expensive to rent. Comparing this to my old apartment - I'd still way rather live here than there, even though the plumbing and electric were newer and in better shape. I still had issues there almost as much as here - but there I didn't have a garage to park in, a washer and dryer on site, a fenced yard for my dog to romp around in, nor plenty of room for having friends over. So yeah, the automatic lighter on the stove my not work like it's supposed to and the tree roots cause the plumbing to back up every few months and the ivy has gotten a little overgrown . . . but overall, I'll take this place!

Clearly they are pickier people.

Moving on?

2011-08-03T07:34:00.000-07:00

Went camping this weekend with my (ex?) boyfriend.

We've been in a long distance relationship for nearly a year and a half, and it appears to be nearing the end. He isn't ready to commit to moving down here after all this time, so I've been guarding my heart and not giving him what he needs.

I hate to say good-bye to him because he was the first man who ever PURSUED ME! I was the fat friend who no guy would date for as long as boys have been of romantic interest to me. It's sad, but at 24, he was my FIRST kiss. Even now, he is attracted to me just the way I am.

But in the end, it isn't about just physical attraction.

Our values and expectations are just too different. Try as I might, I don't think I'll ever make him happy. And I don't think he'll be able to make me happy either. Though we have several common interests, we aren't similar enough on the things that really matter.

It is painful to admit when the man has held your heart for the last 2 years.

Needless to say, this makes me want to bury my sorrows in pints of ice cream, chocolate chip cookies and custard pies.

So if you're the praying type, please pray for me this week . . . and if you're not, positive thoughts are always appreciated.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2011-07-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

Pondering whether or not to leave NH. Just a few days ago he did something really sweet that made me feel as though he was indeed a man I could marry . . . and I allowed myself to think about actually starting to plan that, based on his other comment earlier this summer . . . and now?

Today is one of those days where I feel like he just doesn't respect me enough, and I don't want to commit myself to someone who doesn't respect me . . . and I don't want to miss out on the chance to marry and have kids with someone who does, just because I'm afraid to leave Nathan, and afraid that no other better-for-me person might even be out there . . .

I'm not sure what to do. Part of me says that if there is a serious red flag like that at all, leave, you aren't going to change him, if he doesn't respect you now, he never will. Part of me says, stick it out and learn to work through it together, it'll make the relationship stronger in the long run - and you do love him.

Part of me wants to be married and have a spouse and a home within 2 years . . . part of me wants the freedom to move where I want/need to move for work and wait to find someone there.

I wish NH would just answer this for me. Give me a sign. Show me what you want to do, what you mean and how bad you want it!!

Weddings Pre-Planning

2011-07-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks back when NH was leaving to head home from another lovely weekend together he said, "This time next year, we'll be married" . . . wait, what? He must have felt me tense up at the thought of him not even living here yet, much less being engaged and then having a wedding within the next year, apparently, because he drew back a little and said "well, on the way anyway" . . . I said "yeah, maybe just one ring on my finger" . . .

Engaged in a year I can handle, wedding, not so much.

But it has gotten me started thinking about the likelihood of getting married sometime within the next two years . . . So I checked out a few books at the library, like I do. One about bridesmaids has made me realize, that because I have moved around so much and so many of the close friends that I HAVE kept in touch with live far away - I can't think of more than 2 people that I know for sure I would ask to be bride's maids! (And one is my sister that I would ask mostly because it's expected, and she'd probably do a decent job helping out - she can be helpful when she wants to be).

I suppose that's not all bad, NH doesn't have a lot of close guy friends, so maybe we could each have just 3 attendants . . . I'd be okay with that, I don't want a big wedding and it would seem silly to have a 5 member bridal party just because that's the convention.

The Future

2011-06-20T20:05:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a great weekend with my man. At the end he talked seriously about setting a date not only for moving down here but also for getting married. That's pretty huge and it makes me feel a lot better.

In other news. Decided not to use the Pill anymore. I don't like what the hormones have done to me that past two times I've been on it. I am going to go with FAM - it works well with my granola sensibilities. Of course, I'm still a virgin so the risk is already minimal - but if things keep going well with my man I don't expect to be one for too much longer.

Bonus, when I'm ready to have kids the same method will also help me know when I'm most fertile for trying.

On Comedy

2011-05-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

Comedy is art, but it gets little respect from elitists who think art has to be high falootin'. Just because a good comic or humorist has mass appeal doesn't mean their work is any less valuable than Steinbeck or Kubrick.

In the worst times of my life, it is the ability to laugh at the absurdity of life that has gotten me through it, not my ability to wallow in it (and have a strong penchant for both, which seems an odd mix in one person).

Because of this I have a profound respect for those who make others laugh. Laughter is unifying, and it is often an expression of love to be able to laugh with another, it builds bonds. (This is why insult comics are my least favorite, they don't unify people as much because their whole shtick is to tear others down. They are the bullies of the comedy world.)

I wish I could make others laugh the way that Mitch Hedberg, Bill Cosby, Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Gabriel Iglesias, Demitri Martin, Dane Cook, Mike Birbiglia, Dave Barry, Nora Ephron, Tina Fey and others have made me laugh at the world and at myself. It's a gift and an art, and I give them all the respect in the world for it.

Avs ink Hejduk to one-year deal - NHL.com - News

2011-05-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

Avs ink Hejduk to one-year deal - NHL.com - News: "'My family and I are very excited to continue my career here in Denver,' Hejduk said. 'I believe in this organization and our young players and look forward to helping the team in any way that I can.'"

Yeah! I love Hejduk, so glad he isn't retiring yet. Though I know that once our player start signing one year contracts, it usually means they will retire in the next 2-3 years. Hopefully Hedgie has 3 more good years in him.

And the thunder rolls . . .

2011-05-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

Sitting here enjoying the calming sounds of pattering rain and rolling thunder. It's our first real storm of the year and it couldn't come at a better time.

Today is one of those days where I'm really desperate/hurting to have a baby. I know why I'm waiting. I need to get married and establish that marriage relationship first. I need to finish school and pay off more of my debt so I can afford to stay home with my kids when I do have them. But on days like today, I'll admit, I feel reckless, like I might just sleep with my boyfriend and not worry about protection, just to see if I'd get pregnant.

I don't want to have a kid out of wedlock, or to have a kid now, while I'm still in school . . . but sometimes my desire to have children of my own overwhelms those rational thoughts.

It doesn't help at all when my aunt starts listing all the babies my cousins (who are all only a little older than me) already have.

Blah

2011-05-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday, and I can tell I am definitely not a child anymore because I barely even cared that it was my birthday.

One of the two things I did care about, did not pan out. I am supposed to be having a Skype date with my boyfriend (and birthday buddy) right now to celebrate our birthday . . . but he ran into an old friend while out to lunch, over did it, got sick and now I'm stuck here to celebrate our birthday alone.

Bastard.

Why, of all days, did he have to pull this shit today?

I should not be crying myself to sleep on my birthday . . . .

When I was in college I thought this would be the year I'd have my first kid. That was the plan. Meet my special someone in college, marry after graduation, at 22, have 4 years together to just enjoy each other's company and then have my first kid at 26.

I'm 26 and have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years . . . . and wonder some days if I will EVER be lucky enough to get married to a man who cherishes me and wants me to be the mother of his children . . .

I'm missing you . . .

2011-05-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

Home again after a wonderful weekend with my man . . . I miss him so much already . . . I just can't get into the right headspace to do homework or anything productive, except maybe read (surprise, surprise). All I want to do is lounge about and try to slowly come down from the high of being with him again and slowly get adjusted to living the mundane day to day of life without him here.

I cannot wait until June, when I can see him again . . .

My Wishlist

2011-04-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

Here is my current camping/survival wish list, some of these are things that (if I don't get them earlier) I will definitely register for when I get married:

Childhood Outdoors

2011-04-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

Reading Last Child in the Woods makes me really thankful that my parents let me grow up outside. I don't know if it was a conscious decision on their parts or the result of not having enough money for more expensive activities - but we went on family camping trips early and often. I spent almost all day each summer out of doors, riding bikes, playing in the mud, jumping on the trampoline, playing in the sprinkler, stomping bugs . . . when we moved to Colorado the winters were filled with sledding and snow fort building, and sometimes skiing and ice skating. We would go to Garden of the Gods and my parents let me climb and boulder and hike wherever I wanted to, so long as I was in ear shot of our picnic site and could see my parents. On camping trips they let me follow the stream down from our camp site as far as I wished, or go pick wildflowers in the meadow on the other side . . . My dad would take us fishing for crawdads in the pond at a local park.

Even though I've always been allergic to grass - I don't remember hayfever ever getting in the way of enjoying the outdoors.

There must have been more time when I was a kid, I think, despite school and naps, I remember reading a lot, watching a lot of TV and spending a lot of time outside. How in the world was I able to all those things? I swear, time moves more slowly when you are a child.

A Mother's Prayer

2011-04-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

A Mother's Prayer for Its Child - by Tina Fey

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Growing Up Outdoors

2011-04-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

I definitely want to instill the love of the outdoors of my future children. Shouldn't be too much of a problem if I marry the right man (outdoorsy-ness is something I look for and something I love about my current boyfriend!) . . . but reading 15 Minutes Outside by Rebecca P. Cohen has given me some great ideas for how to do this, even when time is limited. A lot of these will also be really good if I decide to home-school for all or part of elementary school. Here are some of my favorites (including some I did as a kid myself):

explore nature with guidebooks, binoculars and/or magnifying glasses
have a sunrise picnic breakfast
make snow ice cream
bike or walk to school
keep a nature journal
improvise a hockey game with an ice puck in the driveway
make ice paintings
do an outdoor scavenger hunt
learn/teach map reading and orienteering
go stargazing
make a snow gauge and track the snowfall
search for animal tracks
ride the bus or train somewhere
camp indoors
build a snow fort
start a mini herb garden in an egg carton
make a snowball or ice votive
go snowshoeing
make a pinecone bird feeder
make mud prints
grow some indoor grass
start a compost pile and garden
go to the farmer's market
play disc golf
use leaves, twigs, flower buds, etc to make works of art
build a fort
dig a hole
plant a tree for arbor day
wash the car and/or the dog
go camping - even if only in the backyard
learn to identify poison oak, etc.
play in the sprinkler
fish for crawdads
go to a swimming hole
do lawn bowling
have a water fight
build a volcano
make homemade ice cream
make a leaf scrapbook
go to the pumpkin patch, carve a jack-o-lantern and bake a pumpkin
plant mums in pots you paint
go on a hike or bouldering
visit a ghost town
go on a hay ride or sleigh ride
paint rocks
go to a ball game together
go caroling
visit a wildlife reserve
ice skate on a pond
decorate outdoor trees for the birds at the holidays

A Year With God

2011-04-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

I got this book A Year With God, through Booksneeze earlier this year. I perused it and got some encouragement from it, but I don't think I was in a place in my walk with God to get the maximum benefit. Mostly it just reminded me of the promises I felt God had broken, or at least bent the rules on fulfilling.

However, I gave passed it along to my mom as part of her Christmas present, she is always looking for good devotional books and I'd noticed it had been a while since she had added one to her collection. She emailed me just the other day and included a note about how much she is enjoying the book. It is A Year With God, so she isn't through the book yet, but so far she is enjoying it and she thanked me for passing it along to her.

As with many Christian/faith-based books, especially devotionals, I think you really need to be in the right place to get the most out of it.

Medicine

2011-04-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

After reading A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth and Overtreated, I have come to some conclusions.

1) I want to have private insurance with an HSA plan, I've already started looking into this option for next year.

2) I want to find a good family care practice, that will be my generalist/gyn for the next few years, and can be a consulting doctor when I decide to have kids, and their pediatrician after they are born. One doctor, who knows me and my family well, rather than a slew of specialists.

3) I want to give birth in a birth center with a midwife, and do it without an epidural, and hopefully without injected narcotics as well.

4) I want to have a doula too, especially if my midwife can't be with me the whole time - and especially if she is willing to make follow up visits to make sure my baby is starting to breast feed well, etc.

5) I'm going to be very careful about what I eat now and what my family eats in the future. Knowing that diet and exercise are among the two best things you can do in terms of preventative health.

Midwifery

2011-03-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

30% of women have C-sections in the US. 1 in 3?!

That is so scary. I only want a C-section if it is a true emergency.

I have every intention of using a midwife, and giving birth in a birth center or at home . . . not getting induced . . . not having a c-section by choice . . . my body, as a woman, was made to give birth!

It makes me sad that in a post-feminist society, so many women who are supposedly empowered, seem to have no faith in their own bodies! Or, devalue pregnancy, birth and motherhood so much that they would schedule a C-section just to fit their work schedule.

So sad.

Spring Means Fertility

2011-03-20T09:47:00.001-07:00

Real Food for Mother and Baby: The Fertility Diet, Eating for Two, and Baby's First Food by Nina Planck

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I really liked this book and gleaned a lot of useful information from it. The author's own passion and bias is fairly apparent, so it's hardly a "what to eat when pregnant or trying to become so" bible, but anyone with common sense can easily wade through that and find some real gems of information often lacking in the reports seen in popular media.

I did make some diet changes as a result of this book, including eating organic, free range and/or hormone free as much as my budget allows. I now invest in having organic butter and organic whole milk in my fridge.

I also checked out "The Fertility Diet" as a result of this book, and found that text to be still more helpful in guiding my diet and exercise behaviors as I try to become more fertile/retain my fertility until I'm ready to have children.

View all my reviews

10 Most Sexist Print Ads from the 1950s | Business Pundit

2011-03-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

10 Most Sexist Print Ads from the 1950s | Business Pundit

As much as I like the idea of traditional gender roles, most of the time - some of these ads are downright disturbing.

I find the idea of lysoling your muffin particularly disturbing.

It's the End of the World as We Know It

2011-03-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

Between the disaster in Japan and rising gas prices and brush fires here at home added to reading Life As We Knew It, I've been thinking a lot about what my family and I would need to do for survival in case of catastrophe.

For one, I would live in the hinterlands, near enough a city to get there if needed in a traumatic emergency, far enough away not to get caught in a fire storm or spreading disease epidemic.

I would not live near the coast of the ocean a large lake or a river - limit the chances of flooding/tsunamis.

I would have well water. A water filter. And stored bottled water, enough to last for at least two-three months, and rotate through it regularly, since the plastic can start to break down if you leave them bottled for longer than a year.

I'd have a gas stove and a wood burning or pellet stove . . . that way we could cook and heat the house, even if the electricity went off. I'd also have at least one fireplace.

I'd have enough wood and/or pellets to heat the house for at least two-three months.

I'd keep a stock of mutli-vitamin supplements (preferably chewable), aspirin, ace bandages, advil, pepto (chewable and liquid) and other first aid stuffs, including protective face masks in case of foul air and rotate through it on a regular basis, since those things go bad eventually.

I'd keep three months worth of canned and boxed food (that's 3 month of eating 3 meals a day . . . it could be stretched longer).

I'd keep my gas tank full (preferably in a hybrid car that can handle snow well) and always have some cash handy . . . maybe more, scuttled away in a safe hiding place at home - like a fireproof safe in the bedroom closet or bolted to the floor in the basement - along with birth certificates, passports, etc.

I'd have at least one gun, maybe two, and ammo . . . locked away only for emergencies, like an invader trying to get into my home using violence . . . or to hunt for food.

I'd get an old fashion washing machine, or basin and scrub board along with a wash line and clothes pins - to make laundry a bit easier if the electricity fails.

I'd have a vegetable/fruit garden already going, so we could hopefully harvest that for a little while and extend our canned food.

I'd have a small wind turbine and a solar panel to provide electricity for our home. I want this anyway, just as a greener option to electricity from coal, but in a disaster it would help my family to be able to live off the grid and still get power. Maybe not as much, but it would be okay to conserve electricity in a disaster and only run the lights/heat when absolutely necessary.

I'd have plenty of blankets and quilts to pile on when it gets cold, to help save on heating . . . I think I already have that now - so this is one thing I wouldn't have to beef up much.

I'd have oil lamps with plenty of oil, candles, and stuff to make more candles, battery operated flashlights, glow sticks, shake lights and lanterns.

I'd have a wind up radio and at least one wind up watch or clock - things that don't require battery or cord to run.

I'd have basic tools like an ax, saw, hammers, nails, wrenches, screw drivers, etc.

I'd have a bike, snow shoes and maybe a snow mobile and/or ATV to be able to get out on, in case the car couldn't go anywhere.

I'd have an emergency kit ready to go in the car too.

It may seem silly, but I'd have craft supplies, board games, cards, crayons, coloring books, plenty of reading material, yarn, knitting needles, crochet hooks, battery operated games and music players . . . just so we wouldn't get too bored.

Some of these things I just won't be able to get until I have a home of my own and money enough to have them put in . . . other things though, like a back up supply of water and canned goods, first aid supplies, tools, gas in the car and some cash handy - those things I could have ready even now. I think I should get on that.

Life as We Knew It

2011-03-09T21:32:00.000-08:00

I started reading Life as We Knew It today. It was written in 2006, and that probably explains why it reminds me so much of things I have experienced in my own life (though some of the references are making the story a little dated, and its only 5 years old).

Still, the way teachers don't really have class in the story for the first few days after the moon incident reminded me a lot of 9/11. I got to school early that morning for morning choir, so I didn't have as much time to watch Good Morning America like I usually did. I saw that a plane had crashed into the WTC, but I didn't really know what was going on until later. Apart from morning choir, when we actually rehearsed our songs, we didn't pretend to have class for the rest of the day. The library had the TV on all day for anyone interested. In the rooms that had TVs we watched the news. In other classrooms we just talked about what was happening. The following day we tried to get back to work, but it was hard to do. We had a ceremony around the flag pole not long after, the girls' show choir (which I was also in) sang the national anthem and God Bless America - and we cried a little. We still had our football game that Friday, but we observed a moment of silence first, and it was sad to see the flag at half-mast at the end of the field.

The way the power keeps going out and the raids on the grocery store in the book remind of the winter before 9/11. We had a bad winter storm that knocked out power at school. They didn't cancel school or send us home immediately, since it was already after lunch, but many students left early. Those of us that were left got extended study halls and played cards in the near-empty central hallway of the school. My mom picked up my brother and sister and the son of a family friend at the middle school, then came to get me. The power was off at home too, but we lived a block from the grocery store, so we walked there to get snacks. The power was out there too and one of my high school classmates was working, he took us down the isles with a flashlight. They hand wrote receipts and could only take cash or checks. When we got home with our fixin's we made s'mores over candles (since we didn't have a fireplace), then built a fort, then played hide and go seek in the dark. I hid so well, that despite being the oldest and biggest, they didn't find me and eventually gave up.

It also reminds me of Katrina and all of the blizzards and ice storms I've been trapped in . . .

And it makes me want to stockpile some batteries, canned goods, water, candles and definitely require that my dream house have at least one fireplace and/or pellet stove. Even if not for the end of the world, my family will be prepared for any natural disaster lasting longer than a few days - I think it's the girl scout in me yearning to "Be Prepared."

My final review of my most recent reading . . .

2011-03-05T18:28:00.001-08:00

The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University by Kevin Roose

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is a very good book that I had no problem blazing right through. Though I disagreed with some of the author's ideals, biases and conclusions - he wrote a candid and genuine book about his experience at a conservative Christian college that was very reflective of my own. I think the book is best summed up by this quote from the epilogue and acknowledgements: "...this particular religious conflict isn't built about a hundred-foot brick wall. If anything, it's built around a flimsy piece of cardboard, held in place on both side by paranoia and lack of exposure...by experiencing your warmth, your vigorous generosity of spirit and your deep complexity, I was ultimately convinced - not that you were right, necessarily, but that I had been wrong."

I think it is a worthwhile book for believers and non-believers and those across the political spectrum as well, and will definitely recommend the book to my friends.

View all my reviews

The Unlikely Disciple

2011-03-02T23:03:00.000-08:00

Despite it's rather ignorant commentary on the back jacket cover, I am so far really enjoying The Unlikely Disciple by Kevin Roose. It rings very true to my college experience, at a much smaller but similarly believing private Christian liberal arts college on the edge of the south and the mid-west . . . apart from the size of the school and the town itself, not wholly unlike Liberty University, the school Roose attended for a semester to write the book.

The rules are similar, though our dorms did allow visitation - once a week and the first Sunday of the month . . . and we didn't have a dress code or limitations on kissing the opposite sex . . . but we were a dry student body, not just on campus, technically you weren't even allowed to drink off campus . . . (though many of my friends and myself did drink off-campus once we were legal - it's still a far cry from underage binge drinking that is fairly common on other American campuses).

I find myself identifying with the students Roose describes . . . esp. his love interest Anna, since I share her taste in books and music and a somewhat cynical view of the legalistic edge to the morality code of schools like Liberty and my own alma mater.

Some of my favorite quotes so far:
"After an hour of Bible study, Paul and I go upstairs for 'fellowship' with Mariana. I didn't know what that verb meanth when Paul suggested doing it, but judging from context fellowship is Christian-speak for 'hit on unsuccessfully.'"

"...outside of Jane Austen novels, nowhere is marriage a more frequent topic of conversation than a Christian college."

The last is so very true. Which probably helped contribute to my overall feeling of being broken because I never dated anyone . . . which meant, clearly, that I was not marriage material. And if not marriage material, then I could not be a wife or mother, never be a Proverbs 31 woman. Something was wrong with me that no Christian man would want me, so I had to wait until I was 24 to finally have my first kiss - with a lapsed Lutheran who is more agnostic than Christian . . .

I still struggle with this, because I want so badly to be a wife and mother . . . it's something I've wanted since before I became a Christian . . . At the same time, I don't want my daughters thinking their only value comes from being a good wife and mother, if that is what they want, as I do/did, then great - but I don't want them thinking they are broken or worthless just because Christian men who think they deserve virgin wives with the looks of slutty super models don't think they are worth their time.

It's also interesting to juxtapose my undergraduate experience with my grad school experience. This campus is, like many, pretty left leaning, lost of progressives, socialists, feminists, GLBTQ friendly, etc. etc. Drinking and sex are apparently common and expected for student population, even for underage undergrads. Having a wet campus and bars nearby was not part of my undergrad experience. Nor was finding condoms free for the taking at the student health center.

The weird thing is that I have felt somewhat out of place in both places. In some ways too "liberal" for my ultra-conservative Christian college in undergrad, too much of a rebel . . . and at the same time too "conservative" for my grad school. My undergrad friends would be shocked that I've spent the night in the same bed as my boyfriend (though I am still, so far, a virgin). While my grad school friends are shocked that I have zero desire to live with him before getting married. My undergrad friends would be shocked at the number of gay and lesbian friends and acquaintances I have. My grad school friends would be shocked that while I respect their ability to choose for themselves - and I won't tell them they are "wrong", I still view it as a sinful lifestyle and not in keeping with someone who claims to believe in Jesus. Some (not all) of my undergrad friends would be shocked that I drink socially. My grad school friends are shocked that I've NEVER been truly drunk, I've always stopped after 3 drinks - and I prefer Coke anyway, it's cheaper.

Now, as for most of my life, I feel like I don't really fit in anywhere, and that I often disregard parts of myself in order to not be alienated, ostracized.

Which, I suppose, makes me appreciate my few really close friends and my boyfriend, who I feel generally accept me for me . . . all of the parts. Not just my professional or public identity, not church me or school me. But the real me.

In a life as compartmentalized as mine often seems to be, these friendship are truly more precious than gold.

From the Outside

2011-03-02T12:16:00.000-08:00

Checked out a book at the library today about a guy who goes to a super-conservative Christian school for a semester, one of the reviews on the back says "surprisingly diverse band of true believers". Really? That is a surprise? Christianity is one of the most diverse religions in the world with believers of almost every race, cultural, economic and political ilk, why in the world would it be even an iota of a surprise that the believers were a diverse group?

I think certain people let their own bias against Christianity and what they perceive it to be, that they ignore the facts.

Bias is never a good reason to ignore the facts, in fact, it is a really, really BAD reason.

. . .

In other news, this quarter is nearly over and I am eager to have it done. Though I have enjoyed my classes, I've become a total slacker in other areas, namely in my workout regimen. I did such a good job at the start, losing weight, but as school work piled on I got trapped in the inertia of sitting still, doing homework and reading . . . this is no good, especially when I so genuinely enjoy being active.

Dog Person

2011-02-21T13:28:00.000-08:00

Annoyed today by the quote in This Book is Overdue which says that librarians are cat people. Actually, what it said is, "By and large, they're cat people, not dog people." Then goes on to say that our favorite wall decorations are LOL cats. WTF?!

First off, I'm a dog person. Second, my favorite wall decorations, next to bulletin boards and calendars, are vintage postcards, record album covers and tin prints (like the beloved one I have of Rosie the Riveter purchased at the Portabello Road Market during my semester abroad). Those, and pictures I have taken myself during fits of attempted artistry during my overseas travels.

I don't know why this quote annoyed me so much, perhaps it is that I hate the feeling of trying to be a square peg jammed into a round hole of what is "expected" out of librarians.

I don't wear glasses. (I don't need them)

I am not a Democrat, liberal, socialist or a progressive.

I'm not a lesbian, ardent feminist or an elderly matron.

I'm an extrovert. A moderate libertarian. Straight, and honestly, a bit old fashioned about gender roles when it comes to my personal life. (Emphasis on personal, my life, my choice . . . I respect your choices, and ask you to respect mine.) I'm a half-Mexican second generation immigrant with a dash of Sephardic Jew on one side . . . and a WASP whose ancestors founded the Plymouth colony, fought in the American Revolution, traveled westward in a covered wagon and served as Texas Rangers.

I'm eclectic and unique, not a stereotype.

And yes, I'm a dog person!

Techiness

2011-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

Much as I enjoy This Book is Overdue, you can tell it was written by someone of an older generation as the prose routinely describe Web 2.0 technologies in terms that make them seem "new fangled" and slightly bemusing, instead of a completely normal part of every day life . . .

I'm glad I'm one of the younger and more tech-hip people in my program - at the risk of sounding completely arrogant (despite the truth in the statement) - the library world NEEDS people like me!

Even within my own fellowship program some of the others are ignorant if not down right incompetent when it comes to technology. They look at me as though I boggle the mind, but really, I know that I'm just a lay person who isn't afraid of technology and who has learned quite a bit on her own through years of trial and error. It helps, I suppose, that I had a bit of a head start. Afterall, I remember using a computer game (housed on a TRUE floppy disc) with Sesame Street characters to learn phonics back in 1989 on my family's old DOS IBM. I used to make earrings out of the hole punched guides that ran along the edge of the old school - perforated printer paper . . . back when printers made the sound of metal eating hard plastic, before printers could pick up individual pages and well before a small desk top unit could be a 3-in-1 (like the one that sits on the corner of my bedroom desk as I type). I went to computer classes in school starting in 1st grade, learned how to type in 3rd, and sent my first email to another class across the country in 5th grad (1995) . . . about two weeks before my mom came home from her first day at a new job and announced that she had learned to use a mouse, before I (rudely) burst her bubble with an eye roll. To be fair, my father didn't learn to type until I was in college (my mother typed dictation for his doctoral dissertation, I think she deserves an honorary doctorate for that alone!), and I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know how to use the texting feature on his phone. My mom is pretty up on technology for someone from her generation, though, like the author of the aforementioned book, she does still look at things with wide-eyed wonder now and again, with the impression "I can't believe they can do that!", while I, hardly removed from my 5th grade eye-rolling, generally respond with something along the lines of : "Duh!"

How did I get to be so up on this stuff though? Growing up in a house with a dad who is still tech-slow, a mom who used computers mostly because she was a secretary, and we were poor. I was lucky, I guess, to go to good schools that had access to technology, and I was quick to pick up on things. I've always been a very fast learner, mind like a steel trap type. Still, even I am not entirely certain how I got here, when so many of my peers have apparently missed the boat.

I'm glad I am pursuing a field where these skills are valued . . . and Lord I hope that I can be useful, innovative and, God willing, get paid (well, really well) to do something I enjoy!

Reading to Children

2011-02-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

One of the things that reading children's books for class, in addition to reading about reading to children, is that it has really made be anxious to have kids' of my own . . . as if I weren't already . . . I just can't wait to get to read to my own kids! To share the stories I loved as a kid . . . to share the new stories that will have come out by the time I have them . . .

I actually day dream about what it will be like to bring my kids to my library and to help them pick out books and get their first library cards . . . bedtime story reading will be a nightly tradition, even when they are probably old enough that most parents stop bedtime stories.

Messed in the Head

2011-02-02T20:52:00.000-08:00

Took a bunch of quizzes tonight on PsychCentral . . . I'm moderately ADHD, and mildly dyslexic according to the quizzes . . . too bad I can't begin to afford the ACTUAL diagnostic tests . . . might help me out in school a bit if I were officially diagnosed.

Snowpocalypse 2011

2011-01-31T16:03:00.000-08:00

It's colder here in CO than it's been in over a decade. My grad school cancelled classes for tonight and all of tomorrow. It's snowing but not too much . . . but the midwest is supposed to really get hammered, and so, of course, the media is going butt crazy for the Snowpocalypse!

The Weather Channel

PTSD much?

2011-01-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here on campus, eating a late lunch and doing some reading before my early evening class. When into the lobby of my school walk two people from my old job. Two people that contributed to the depression and burn out I felt while I was working there and the trauma I felt afterwards - second guessing myself, doubting myself, doubting the trustworthiness of people I worked with and for in every job since . . .

As soon as a heard the tool bags' voice my gut tightened and my pulse started to race, I still feel on the edge of panic! It is just not right for such evil people to have a hold over me, but they do . . .

I just want them to leave. Get the fuck out of my building!!

I like my life now - I am doing something I enjoy and I feel like my contributions are appreciated!

GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!

Perfect Day?

2011-01-09T10:46:00.000-08:00

So far I'd say this day is nearly perfect.

Finished a really good book. (The Hunger Games, definitely recommend) . . . Watched one of our favorite TV shows together with my boyfriend, he showed me his Chiefs jacket and letter jacket . . . we laugh, had a great time, and I feel like I'm getting that quality time and emotional intimacy I've been craving - I feel full to the brim!

Then, to top it off, I woke up to fresh snow on the ground. I love the snow! It's snowing steadily now and I only need look out my window to feel a wash with peace. And my dog was a riot bounding around in the fluffy white flakes - and coming back inside looking more like the abominable snow dog than a shih-tzu.

I feel very blessed today.

Someday . . .

2011-01-05T10:21:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking yesterday of how great it would be to establish my career as a children's and youth services librarian well enough that when I have kids I could still work part time doing lap sit story times, toddler times, parenting classes and such, and bring my kids with me to work!

Between that and writing I could probably make a good enough to living to be able to afford to stay home with my kids at least until the youngest is in 3rd grade or so - then I'd probably start working 20-30 hours a week part-time and go back to work full time once they are both in middle school.

I say both, because I'd like to have 2 kids . . . but who knows . . . I'm not even married yet! Not even engaged for that matter . . . and still very much a virgin.

But I like to be able to plan ahead and I know that with this career choice I stand a good chance of being able to stay home with my kids - and that is one of the bigger reasons I chose it in the first place.

Jealous

2011-01-03T17:15:00.000-08:00

It bugs me a little every time a girl who has been a relationship for LESS long than I have, often only a few months, get engaged before my boyfriend has even moved down to be with me, much less asked me to marry him . . .

Though, I will say this for him - I got a present and a card from him today and he said in it that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me . . . so he hasn't asked me yet, but marrying me does at least seem to be something he is planning on doing.

I still wish he lived down here with me though. When we are together in the same place we rarely have problems, and when we do we resolve them pretty quickly, and it seems that all our arguments stem from the distance between us and its complications.

Robot Girl

2011-01-01T18:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I worry that I have spent so much time in books and in my own head, instead of being out in the world (for myriad reasons I won't recount here), that I'm awkward beyond repair.

I have difficulty sometimes showing love for my SO, NH . . . and I find myself referencing the experiences I've lived vicariously through books or learned reading non-fiction than I do (or for that matter, even can) real life experiences.

Could be an issue.

Status Collage for 2010

2010-12-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

These are the facebook statuses I thought were the funniest and/or best summed up the last year.

Life Update

2010-09-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

This last month has been so busy, but I'm looking forward to having some free time again. However minimal.

Coming into this fellowship program I feel a bit like a newborn child . . . I had no idea I was going to be doing this at this time last year, not a clue, but the people leading it have been working on the grant, the program, the interviews all of it leading to me and 9 others starting school this fall. Our presence has been talked about and anticipated for longer than I was even aware of the program. If I were self-aware and capable of remembering what it was like in the first few weeks after my birth, the hopeful expectations of my family coming to fruition in front of them . . . I imagine it would feel very much the same.

Things with the boyfriend are not going as well. We are in a slump. We both still love each other, but the passion we both used to have seems to have dimmed . . . I'm trying to stoke the fires, hoping the embers aren't out completely. I don't want to be "just friends".

Class

2010-08-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

Registered for my classes today . . . two of them, honestly, sound rather dull. Two others sound absolutely wonderful! I am not so much looking forward to the pre-req classes - after reading the course descriptions they sound really cerebral, but I have to take them, they are core courses. I am excited about Infant Development and Children's Materials though. I may have to drop Children's Materials this quarter . . . I'm not sure how many class hours they want us to take - and since I have to take the other 3, I'll drop the Children's Materials if I have to. Which will leave 2 dull classes and 1 interesting one . . . but it's only the first quarter - I'll still have 5 or 6 to go and plenty of time to take the classes I want and the classes I need.

And in the end . . .

2010-07-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

The most wonderful weekend, easily a Top 5 weekend of all time, has come to an end . . . 3 whole days with my man in the mountains, hiking, enjoying nature, and cheering him on doing what he loves most. It was all but perfect.

But now he is on his way home and I am here alone . . . I don't think I can bear this long distance thing for much longer - I need to be with him. I hope he moves down soon. Sometimes I worry he won't, but I can't move up there until after school is over and two years seems an awfully long time to live our lives on hold basically.

Ready for the weekend . . .

2010-07-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am well aware that it is only Monday, and I had the day off today - so my week hasn't even started technically - but I am already so very ready for the weekend. My boyfriend is in the state! Cannot wait to spend the whole weekend with him!

Working Girl

2010-06-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't been called to work at all this week, which is disappointing and worrisome. I was hoping for at least a day or two of work because I need the money.

Besides, I suck at just sitting at home. I would much rather be working and contributing something to the community and the economy. The one nice thing about sitting around the house though is getting the chance to read. I've finished two whole books this week!

Ah well, at least I am supposed to work tomorrow, training for my new part-time job, Saturday for the teen program at the rec center . . . and hopefully Monday I'll be starting my summer gig as a nanny for two super cute boys just down the street! I'm hoping everything comes together in just the nick of time.

One of Those Days

2010-06-23T14:36:00.000-07:00

Having one of those days when I really wish I were pregnant . . . maybe I'm the only one that has those, but when you know without a doubt that you want to have children and be a mom, sometimes it is just incredibly frustrating when achieving that dream seems such a long way off and so out of your control.

Nice Find

2010-06-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

I found this Great List online, it made me laugh - as a future librarian. :) From Zen College Life, the 85 Reasons to be Thankful for Librarians:

1. Librarians take care of libraries, which are still invaluable today.
2. Not all information is on the internet.
3. Older books still hold great cultural significance.
4. Libraries are still repositories for some of the most valuable works of literature in the world.
5. Even with the internet, the library is still the best place to do research.
6. Girls with glasses can still rock the “sexy librarian” look.
7. “Sexy Librarian” is still a popular costume at Halloween.
8. You can’t exactly find periodicals like The New England Journal of Medicine in Barnes and Noble.
9. For that matter, looking at turn-of-the-century National Geographics is still pretty entertaining.
10. Colleges need something to remodel every so often.
11. The library is still the best meeting spot for college students working on group projects.
12. Libraries are where most colleges store some of their history (choir CDs, videos of athletic matches, etc.).
13. A library is one of the few places people can have free internet access.
14. This means some libraries even hold LAN parties during later hours.
15. Somebody has to help lazy people find what they want.
16. Even online collections of books usually connect directly to a library.
17. “Librarian” is still a better career choice for spinsters over “School Lunch Lady.”
18. Studies have shown libraries and librarians improve student test scores.
19. They also have been shown to improve students’ individual learning skills.
20. With their training in instructional design, librarians can help teachers find resources for their curriculum.
21. Librarians also help teachers to use a variety of media in the classroom.
22. Many libraries today offer enough DVDs to serve as a poor man’s Netflix or Blockbuster.
23. Librarians often put together special programs to get children to read early on.
24. While teaching children to use the library, librarians end up teaching them valuable problem solving skills.
25. They also teach children to use multiple resources to form their own original works.
26. If librarians were no longer around, kids wouldn’t understand the opening scene from Ghostbusters.
27. Librarians know a lot about proper citation skills, as well as ethical uses of information, in order to avoid plagiarism issues.
28. Libraries are still a cheaper place to make photocopies than FedEx Kinko’s.
29. Despite the advances in computer technology, a human will still find information better than a search engine.
30. Librarians can also find information better suited to the person who needs it.
31. A library is much MUCH more well cataloged and organized than the internet.
32. Libraries have much better quality control than the vast majority of websites.
33. Who else is going to learn the Dewey Decimal System? You?
34. Seriously though, no one wants to learn the Dewey Decimal System.
35. For that matter, who else is going to show you how to use that microfiche machine?
36. Experienced librarians often know exactly what resources students need for particular courses.
37. Many libraries collaborate and offer book exchange programs, offering users an almost limitless supply of books and media.
38. Librarians can help relieve some of the workload from teachers by helping students to understand information better.
39. Some engineering teams have already explored the idea of a fully digital library…and ended up designing a traditional library with some advanced technology.
40. The copyright costs for digitizing all literature would be astronomical without even factoring in distribution and storage.
41. Even without the costs, digitizing all books in existence would take hundreds of years at the current rate.
42. The internet still mostly only holds information from the past 15 or so years, compared with the hundreds of years of knowledge found in a library.
43. Even though libraries themselves may be losing attendance, their online archives and websites are still receiving plenty of visitors.
44. Despite the rising popularity of e-books, 80% of people surveyed say they still prefer paper books.
45. The experience of reading an actual book is being preserved by libraries.
46. Libraries provide one of the few places for anyone to find quiet area to just read or study.
47. Sometimes, but not always, libraries have free coffee.
48. Sometimes there are even free snacks.
49. Unlike the internet, libraries are careful that the information they contain is checked for usefulness before being included.
50. Also unlike the internet, libraries are much less influenced by corporate interests.
51. They are also less likely to be manipulated by individuals, like search engine optimizers.
52. Information on more specific topics can be much easier to find in libraries.
53. Digital or not, a library still needs a human staff to run it.
54. The resources of a library are well indexed and will always deliver reliable results (I.e. no “broken links”).
55. Many popular news publications still require subscriptions to view their content online, but are still available for free at the library.
56. Libraries provide free and abundant knowledge to everyone (a privilege people didn’t always have).
57. Not everyone can afford books, but everyone has access to the library.
58. Someone has to buy all those books that college professors write.
59. Public bathrooms in libraries are usually cleaner than most places.
60. A library can mold itself for the specific community it’s in, whereas websites usually try to bring in everyone.
61. At libraries, you can take practice qualifying tests for almost any profession.
62. You can always make suggestions to librarians for specific books you’d like to see.
63. Many libraries also display original works of art or even have separate galleries.
64. Some libraries also hold a limited number of free museum passes that anyone can use.
65. If you don’t have a computer, you can always use the ones in the library.
66. The same goes for certain premium software and special databases.
67. If your library offers wi-fi, it’s probably free.
68. Several libraries also offer programs that cater to senior citizens.
69. Believe it or not, studies show that libraries are good for their local economy, since they make their community for attractive to potential businesses and individuals.
70. Libraries are still a cornerstone for free speech and open access to information.
71. When dictators like Hitler and Mao Zedong set out to eliminate a country’s culture or history, they started by shutting down the public libraries.
72. A library still provides a neutral environment for the free exchange of ideas.
73. Public libraries are surprisingly cheap to maintain, but benefit everyone in the community.
74. If you’re a comic book lover, you can probably find plenty at your local library.
75. They might even have some of those expensive indie graphic novels available.
76. We’re still an incredibly long ways away from a paperless world.
77. You might as well use the library, since you’re already paying for it through taxes or tuition.
78. There’s less risk of getting carpal tunnel syndrome from reading books.
79. A library is a great excuse to get out of the house (seriously, why would anyone argue with you about it?).
80. Books are very portable and never need recharging.
81. With the economy these days, going to the library is a great source of free entertainment.
82. You can “try before you buy” any number of books without spending a dime.
83. Some libraries even have bookmobiles or mailing programs that deliver books right to you.
84. Studies have repeatedly shown that reading improves your basic vocabulary and just generally makes you smarter.
85. Regardless of what form a library takes, a librarian will always be ready to guide you to the information you need.

The Land of Far, Far Away

2010-06-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

Why do I not have any friends that live close to me? All of my closest confidants live at least one whole state away from me - including my boyfriend, my biggest safety net of all.

When I'm super stressed, there is no one here that I can turn to. And the people I want most to vent to, and especially to hold me, are no where near . . . they couldn't even easily hop in a car and come to visit me.

I hate feeling like my life is being led at a distance.

Wishing and Hoping

2010-06-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

I interviewed over the phone for a summer nanny job this morning . . . it sounds like a near perfect fit . . . almost ordained by God . . . even the one weekend I would want to take some time off works out perfectly! I have all my fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes crossed that it works out!

Substitute

2010-06-09T08:32:00.001-07:00

I got called in to substitute for a pre-school class today . . . . *fingers crossed* . . . I will update later!

I hope this goes well, I'm at least excited for the opportunity.

UPDATE: Subbing was great! I just covered lunch breaks, hopping room to room for an hour or two at a time. And I got to do it again on Thursday for the full day with the 1 yr. old class. If being a summer nanny doesn't work out, hopefully they will keep me on as a sub.

Hope

2010-06-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

I think I may have found a new roommate for the summer. She's my age and also a teacher, so should be a good fit. She's filled out the paper work and is supposed to move in today . . . guess we'll find out!

I also applied for a summer job I'm perfectly qualified for yesterday, I am guessing they'll be looking to hire someone soon, since it's a summer position. Hopefully I hear from them soon! I still have my fingers crossed about the before and after school program manager position too, the application deadline was Wednesday, so I'll send a follow up email tomorrow.

I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, but I have reason to hope. Just have to scrape together enough to make ends meet through the end of the summer - then I'm golden, school starts, my loans get dispersed, I start getting my stipend . . . I just have to make it until then.

Stress

2010-06-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling stressed out today because I am not working and I am having to appeal my unemployment.

I need to see if there are any lawyers who I can retain pro-bono to maybe help me out if I need it. I have to fight this - that's what the museum doesn't get. It is a matter of me being able to LIVE and not get put out on the streets! I have bills to pay. I will not go bankrupt just because THEY lack integrity.

They don't seem to know who they are messing with. I know what I did for them, and the REAL reasons why they let me go, and it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with customer service . . . and I have people who still work there who will vouch for me! If they want to make this a fight - I'm ready for it.

They have the money, they can pay the small portion of my unemployment that they owe me for my year and a half of working my butt off (and working two jobs on the side to boot) and getting paid BEANS to do it!!

I refuse to let an organization that is supposed to be there as a valuable member of the community - helping kids and families to be successful in this life - STOMP all over the little guy - namely, their OWN STAFF!

Why Do I Read This Crap?

2010-05-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

TWO BIG PROBLEMS WITH THIS ARTICLE:

a) I am a girl and I DO quote movies - not the least of which is Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Goonies! :P

b) I don't like the Twilight movies . . . and calling Kristen Stewart's sad-sap acting "instinctive intensity" is like saying dirt is "instinctively dirty" - it is NOT acting if you are ALWAYS that mopey in every role you've ever played, and every interview you've ever given. Period.

After this article starts out ripping Sex and the City II to shreads on the basis of shallow narcissism - this article does nothing more than provide an equally shallow assessment of film fans on the basis of gender stereotypes! I feel dumber for having read it.

Feels Like Home

2010-05-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

Disappointment

2010-05-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

Found out about that summer camp counselor job I interviewed for and I didn't get it.

I was honestly rather shocked. I think that may well be the first time I've had an in-person interview and DIDN'T get the position in the end.

There's been plenty of jobs I've applied for and never even called back about. Plenty of jobs that I discovered during the phone interview that they weren't really for me afterall. And a small number of jobs I interviewed for and then turned down in favor of other opportunities . . . but I can't remember a time when I interviewed in person for a job I really wanted and then just flat didn't get it. It's weird. It is a form of rejection I guess I should consider myself fortunate for never having experienced before.

Ah well, I can still score tests until June at least, if nothing else comes up. Though I did get a phone call about an administrative assistant position that would go through the month of June, and I applied for 7 more positions today.

I'm over half done with The Lovely Bones and then I have a big stack of health and fertility books to tackle along with my dystopian books (finished Fahrenheit 451, still have to re-read 1984 and then Brave New World).

My political changes in ideology have led me to read and re-read the dystopian books from the 20th century. It frightens me how much they got right about government control in our lives - even if they aren't accurate in every particular.

As always, the books I'm reading reflect my life at the moment. A microcosm of my world and my stresses.

Silence is Golden

2010-05-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

Things I'd Tell My Boyfriend, If I Thought I Could . . .

. . . You were my first kiss . . . my first REAL kiss, yes, at the age of 24, when we finally kissed last September - you were the first man I ever really kissed - before you there were pecks on the cheek from male family members and one peck given to a boy while standing in line in kindergarten . . . that's it . . .

. . . I think you are afraid I'm going to leave you, so when things start to get close, you run away instead . . . I think I remind you of your mom in a lot of good ways, but because of that - whether you realize it consciously or not, I think you think I will leave you the way your mom left your dad . . .

. . . I don't think you are any where near as shallow as you want people to think you are, and I wish you would let me know the deepest parts of you - I want to be emotionally intimate as much if not more than I want to be physically intimate . . . I want to know you and to be known . . .

. . . You break my heart every time you break a promise, big or small and no matter the reason . . . I take you at your word, and keeping those promises means more to me than I think you realize . . . I would give you all the freedom in the world and could trust you to do things a lot of other girls would flip their lids about if you would just say what you mean, mean what you say and keep your word . . .

. . . I wish I could tell you all of this stuff, but I'm afraid of scaring you away or making you angry . . . I'm not sure how you would take it if I told you this stuff, so I avoid it . . . I know I should tell you - so when I do, I pray you will be kind - my heart is in your hands.

Moving On . . .

2010-05-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I left the museum, and it's been stressful, but I've enjoyed myself so much too!

I have had the time and energy to work on cultivating friendships with the people in my small group . . . to build the relationship with my (again) boyfriend (who ever thought I would finally see a real-life relationship last a year?) . . .

I've found work, I'm not blacklisted, I was only blackballed by those too ignorant and self-absorbed to appreciate me. :) I'm working a temp job right now - and interviewing for a summer job that I really want tomorrow!

If you're the type that prays, pray for me . . . if you're not, then I'd appreciate the positive thoughts at least.

Freedom

2010-04-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

Getting the axe is supposed to be a punishment, you're supposed to feel bad and contrite . . . but I don't, not one little bit.

I am no longer working at my full time job. They were clearly looking for any reason to get rid of me, which just cements ALL of the negative thoughts I had about the organization and the management. I thought I was just being paranoid - turn out - my intuitions was SPOT ON!

Which means, I'm only too happy to be free of that place.

I'm seriously worried about how I'm going to pay the bills - but with as little as they paid me for my work, paying the bills was already a stress to my daily life.

So now I just am free of the stress of feeling like big brother is looking over my shoulder for any little thing I do wrong . . . I am free of living in fear that my job is in jeopardy no matter how much I produce in quality and quantity . . . I am free of the stress of working that hard for so little money.

Now I can find a good summer time gig and just look forward to starting grad school in the fall!

Pinch Me

2010-04-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

I got the fellowship.
I accepted my admission offer.
I accepted my financial aid.
I paid my deposit.

I am officially going to grad school next year!

Part of me worries that I may have just used up all of my good karma in getting this fellowship. I'm afraid something bad must be right around the corner to knock me back down to earth. It's irrational I know, but most fears are.

In other news: The NHL playoffs start tonight! I'm so excited that both of my teams are in this year . . . unlike last year when I was rooting for my #1 team to have the #3 overall draft pick.

Wonderful, wonderful day!

2010-03-31T19:01:00.000-07:00

(That's a song from Seven Bride for Seven Brothers, btw)

Great news this week!

I got accepted to grad school AND I got the big fellowship I applied and interviewed for - my grad school is PAID FOR! Books, Full Tuition AND a Stipend!!! HALLELUJAH!! Needless to say, I danced all around the office the day I found out. I am going to get a masters degree doing something I love - which would be great enough - but I am getting it for FREE! They think I am such a useful asset to the field that they are going to pay for me to go to school. How wonderful is that?

And then I also found out that I got approved for a loan from my aunt to pay my taxes this year! I still have to pay her back, but at 5% interest, versus the 20+% interest on top of the fees the IRS would charge me for being late. This is also wonderful news.

Lastly, it's a 31 day month - which means big paycheck is coming in on the 7th! :)

I don't have to sell my car anymore! This month is still going to be pretty tight and I am still trying to get caught up on everything - but I can see a light at the end of this tunnel after some dark days of feeling really lost and really hopeless.

The Bottom?

2010-03-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

I signed up for a Debt Management Program . . . still behind on things

My roommate putzed out on me and didn't give me the money he owed me in a timely manner - so now I have to sell my car.

I'm at the end of my rope. Nothing left to do. All I have now is the hope of getting into grad school and maybe, just maybe, being able to pay off my debt and get a new car in the fall.

I need to get into the library science program now more than ever. I'm praying, hoping, crossing fingers.

Big Day

2010-02-27T08:47:00.000-08:00

Today is the big interview for the grad school program and fellowship I applied for. I'm nervous and excited and just hope that I make myself clear and convey my passion for children's education and books.

This was my horoscope today, I don't generally take much stock in such things, but today it seemed very appropriate:

Think about your message before you open your mouth today because others are listening very carefully to what you say. You may not be aware of your impact, but your ideas will be more inspiring now than you realize. Don't worry so much about being practical; your current strength is not about leading by example. You can shine the brightest if you give yourself permission to dream out loud.

Gifts from the North

2010-02-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

I got a package today from my in-purgatory ex today. Basically, his letter said he loves me and wants us to be together - whatever that looks like, friends or something more. I thought that was really sweet. It's probably the most loquacious he has been in a long time, and the closest he has come to really sharing his feelings.

Is it bad that I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't an iPod?

Crash and Burn

2010-02-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

I can totally understand why that guy in Texas would fly into the IRS building in Austin. I feel like I would like to do something like that some days too. (And saying that has probably gotten this blog flagged by the Feds. Ah well, at least I'll know someone is reading it. LOL.)

Someday I would love to have a small plot of land, a sheep, some chickens, maybe a cow for milk . . . a vegetable garden and a green house. I wonder if Nathan would come with me if I decided to live that simpler kind of life.

Still in Purgatory

2010-02-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

Things have been going well with the boy and I lately, but we still haven't decided about getting back together or not. I'm still conflicted and feel that my response hinges entirely on what he says. If he chases me and makes our relationship a priority - then I will get back together with him, but if he is still feeling wishy-washy, then I'd rather stay just friends.

In other news, I still really hate the government and banks. I wish these days more than ever that I could just go off the grid altogether, go live off the land. Reading Real Food and seeing John Durant's interview on The Colbert Report, in addition to my fond affection for the Little House series, just make me crave that more simple life. I'd miss TV, but I love to read, so I think I could make do - if I had a husband and family to share that life with. I probably couldn't ever go totally off-grid, but I could definitely do with a simple kind of life.

Sanctity of Life

2010-02-08T14:55:00.000-08:00

The hullaballoo around the Tim Tebow Super Bowl ad, even though it ended up being rather innocuous, had me thinking this weekend about my beliefs regarding abortion.

I am pro-life (which, despite what the liberal biased media would have you believe, is not the same as anti-choice)

I believe that the life of an individual begins at conception - when sperm meets egg and a never before seen human genetic code is created - completely and wholly unique to that creation

I believe the woman's choice happens BEFORE conception - in the choice whether or not to have sex, and the choice of whether or not to use protection

After conception the choice becomes - adoption or keep the baby

I believe that late-term abortions are especially cruel, as the child might have been able to survive outside the womb at that stage - their systems, while immature, exist as much in a 7 month gestational fetus as they do in a walking, talking adult.

To that end, I believe that when I woman's initial choice is taken away, by rape or incest, that she should be allowed to abort the pregnancy within the first trimester to avoid further psychological harm. I also believe that if the health of the mother is in serious jeopardy OR the baby has a fatal birth defect, that abortion should be allowed as best medical practice to "first do no harm".

I also believe that children need comprehensive, abstinence emphasized, sex education. Abstinence should be emphasized on the basis of rational decision making by the students - creating lists of pros and cons to sexual activity before adulthood, NOT as a moral or religious prerogative to save sex until marriage. Though it is my personal belief, using that tact doesn't make sense in the diverse beliefs of the average public school classroom and is an extra bit of belief system and morals that parents can add at home.

I think that parents/guardians should be notified in cases of abortion for children under 18, I don't think they should require permission, but at least notification - esp. if abortions were limited to cases of incest, rape or the health of mother or unborn child - because clearly this would be a child who needs a good support system during a stressful time.

The biggest thing though - I think we need to stop over-sexualizing our children. They are having sex before they have the emotional and social tools to deal with the repercussions because that is what our society says is okay. Songs like "Birthday Sex" and shows like "Gossip Girl" are NOT appropriate for 12 year olds, and yet they are the target audience. There is a serious moral problem with that.

Let kids be kids: learn, read, play with their friends - develop into well-rounded, literate, socially and emotionally mature beings BEFORE sex is put on the table. I think if we did that we would have far fewer unwanted pregnancies - and as a result, far fewer murders resulting from abortions.

The Talk, Part 1

2010-02-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

Had a good talk with the ex tonight. He probably felt like it was the Spanish Inquisition (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!). I asked him a lot of questions, about careers, kids, finances and yes, religion.

He said that he would be willing to come to church with me a few times throughout the year and that he would even consider maybe having a church wedding. That means a lot!

The only sticking point now is his willingness to come down and visit me. He keeps saying stuff like "I'll try" and "probably" and "maybe".

But what I want, no what I NEED from him is a commitment. I need "I will. I will make time and plan to come down and see you" and then, more than anything, I need for him to follow through on that and actually do it. Prove to me he is willing to fight for this relationship with his actions, not just words.

We came a lot further tonight then I thought we might . . . but for that one little hang up, I'd probably be happily back in his arms again (at least his figurative arms - since he still lives 12 hours away) right now.

So, the discussion must needs continue at a later date . . . for now, we are not back together - but there is reason to hope that we might be soon.

Reminders

2010-02-03T19:02:00.000-08:00

Today an old school acquaintance reminded me about why I've been so very pick about the men I choose to date.

She is 9 months pregnant, just days away from being induced and her boyfriend, the baby's dad, just left her.

I never ever want that to happen to me. I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the man I give myself to loves me for now and for always.

Is it possible to know that?

Dreams

2010-02-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

Somedays I'm so sure I know what I want to do - like I was meant for it all along and I'm finally gett a chance to act on it.

Like last Friday, when I was waiting in the gym of a local elementary school for classes to let out so I could set up an outreach program for the afterschool kids. To make the best use of my time I decided to read the book I had brought with me Olive's Ocean. The bell rang and kids started trickling out through the gym, but two little girls (3rd graders by the look of them) stopped at the door to wait for siblings/friends to walk home with. One of the little girls asked, "What are you reading?" So I showed her the cover of my book. To which she joyously exclaimed, "I've read that book!" For next few moments we talked about the story and she asked me how far I was into it and I asked her if she had ever read any of Kevin Henkes' other books, like Lily's Purple Plastic Purse. I love sharing those moments with kids - talking about books and how those stories have effected their lives, their favorite authors, what they are reading now. I love it.

Or yesterday, one of the girls at work and I were tlaking about how we played pretend when we were kids. She was telling me how she used to steal supplies when she would visit her mom at work so that she could take them home to play office. I told her about how I used to play school and would write up worksheets, have story time and set assignments to my younger siblings (and unwilling pupils) over the summer when I had school withdrawl. "And that is why I'm a secretary and you're an educator," she said.

I wish everything in life were so clear.

On the topic of muddy waters - I somehow got roped into a semi-double date last night. A friend from work, a guy friend (and we're not even especially close), invited me to join him and some friends for Ethiopian. I've never tried Ethiopian before and have been wanting to so I figured - why not?! But when I got there it was just him, his roommate and his roommate's girlfriend. It definitely wasn't a date - I drove myself and payed for my own meal - but I did feel a little awkward, like I was the buffer to keep him from feeling too much like a 3rd wheel. Ah well, at least his roommate is a fellow hockey fan, so we got to talk about our mutual dislike of the Red Wings.

I realize there are other guys in the world who might be interested in me. That's nice. But on Thursday night the ex and I are going to sit down and have a heart to heart - lay all of our cards on the table and see if we are compatible enough to give things another go and make our relationship work - or if we should stick to just being friends. On the one hand, I want things to work out with him - I respect him as a person and I am still incredibely attracted to him . . . but I've had to harden my heart towards him to get over the break up, so if we do get back together after our talk, it's going to take some serious work on both of our parts to get our relationship back to what it was at it's best. Back to "I love you."

I wish that part of my life were as clear as my career goals are.

Second Chances?

2010-02-01T13:54:00.000-08:00

My ex emailed me yesterday saying there could be more compromise on his end.

I'm not sure how to take this.

On the one hand, I believe in second chances, and maybe losing me (if only for 3 weeks) made him realize what a good thing he had. Maybe this is just the end of the adage "If love him, let him go . . . "

On the other hand, what if this is just a temporary panic. Where was this desire to compromise and change when we were together? Does he love me any more now?

I guess we shall see . . . he said he would email me with a longer explanation today, so I guess I'm just waiting to see what he says . . .

HoHum

2010-01-30T15:02:00.000-08:00

I am not working tonight. I work pretty much every other Saturday night of the year, but for once I have a night off.

So I invited the 20 girls I know best here in Denver to come hang out with me tonight - I figured, out of such a long invite list, at least a couple would be game, right? Even at late notice.

But no.

So far, not a single response has been from someone who actually wants to or is able to go catch a movie and maybe a bite to eat. No one.

I've known I really need to work on cultivating friendships here in Denver, that's why I joined a small group at church - but apparently I need to work on it even harder. Since, turns out, I don't really have any, and that is a problem.

And I'll Take With Me the Memories

2010-01-29T12:56:00.000-08:00

Well, we're so over it's under.

Nathan wrote me today and he got the closure he needed, which unfortunately means that we can't be friends right now - it's too hard on him, too much like we're still a couple every time we talk (like we did on Skype for 2 hours last night). I can understand his reasoning, and if that's what he needs to move on, then I have to respect his wishes and step away.

I asked him to please keep in touch and let me know how his life is going, and I gave him all my best wishes for the future, including that he will find someone who is truly his perfect match to settle down with.

I hurts like all hell, and yet is incredibely peaceful. We've said all there is to say, and we've left on good terms. Right now, that's the best I can hope for.

Hopefully down the road he can pop up in my life now and again on good terms - and we can be friends.

I'm ready to get out. I'm not ready for another relationship. Not yet. But I've done my moping and my mourning and my grappling with the loss of Nathan, and I'm ready to at least get out of the house and socialize again. And maybe, in a week or two, to go on a casual date.

I already told him, but I think it bears repeating. Thank you, Nathan. Thank you for showing me that I am loveable and loved, beautiful and desirable. Thank you for helping me to love myself again. Thank you for supporting me, listening to me and being a gracious gentleman.

I heard a song last weekend during a dance performance at work, "Bartender" by Keri Noble, one of the verses really hit home, it's very true of how I feel about how things ended with Nate.

Being with him was like falling asleep
Going home was like waking from some kind of dream
The kind that you hope never ends
But real life is not something I can suspend

So go, be free, heal your heart, find joy and love. I hope this isn't the last I hear from you, but if it is, know that I will always love you and be thankful for the time we had together.

*cue cheesy video*

Life, Love, Books . . .

2010-01-28T18:44:00.000-08:00

I checked out a book at the library today for my 2010 horoscope.

Mostly I believe that the prediction aspect is a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but personality-wise, I'm a true Taurean.

So maybe, just maybe, there's a little truth to it. I sure hope so, because it said that I could meet "the one" this year. (Granted, it may say that every year - so who knows). That would be nice.

Right now I still feel so bad about things with my ex that I can't even dare to hope that I might meet the man I really will marry later on in the year. Just the thought makes me feel so guilty all over again for breaking Nathan's heart.

Today I went back on to the message boards where we first met. It was weird. Like going back to the place where you had your first date or something.

It reminded me of this song, I'm not quite sure why

Life Stuff

2010-01-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

Found out today that I will not be an MOD any time soon. Instead, they gave the job to two girls that have been there for less than half of the time that I have. Needless to say, I'm more eager than ever to get out of there and move on to a place where my skills will be appreciated and I can actually make enough money that I can quit my two part time jobs, or at least one of them, and scale back my hours at the other. I work too hard, too long and for too little money to keep this up much longer. I'm sure it's a contributing factor to my anemia and repeat illness.

And in other news - I'm taking the Jeopardy test tonight, in just about 20 minutes actually.

I've always wanted to be on the show (since I was in middle school and started watching it), but I've only taken the online test one other time, and I wasn't asked to interview in person. Maybe this time will go my way. *fingers crossed*

It's been a long day, and it's not even 7 yet . . . I am exhausted with life - between my health, my family's health, financial struggles, dissatisfaction at work, the emotional stress of my break up and all those little daily annoyances - I'm ready for a vacation from life.

Being a hermit is sounding more and more appealing.

(Update: Just took the test, think I did pretty well, though there were a few clues that I hadn't the foggiest notion about)

Glimmer

2010-01-26T20:54:00.000-08:00

A faint ray of hope today for me and my ex (that still feels really wrong to say - I have to force myself not to say "boyfriend" - it is worse than how I had to stop, think and remember to put /10 at the end of my dates this whole month). He friended me on facebook today - not only that - he responded to my email!

He is still pissed, and still thinks I "played" him . . . but I'm hoping that this is a step in the right direction and a sign that his anger is slowly soothing.

I wish there was a way to better say or demonstrate how I'm feeling and how hard this has been for me and that he isn't the only one who is hurting.

I never wanted this. I still don't want it.

Threat Number One:

In semi-related news . . . all of this has really made me think more about faith - between the break up, recently watching Rob Bell's Everything Is Spiritual and reading The Year of Living Biblically and also Good Book, I've been inspired to do some more reading on my own (and of course, blog about it). I admit that I've never read the Bible all the way through from cover to cover, though I've read most of it (including the whole New Testament) - I know I have not read all of it. Perhaps, in so doing, I might find some answers for myself, for Nathan, for what I want out of life and how to get there. Maybe it'll be what I'm looking for, what I'm hoping for - maybe it won't. But I can't just go on believing in something when I haven't even read the book all the way through.

In completely unrelated news . . . my dad had a heart attack? Not even he knew about it. Recently he went to the ER with abdominal pain and was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and a cyst on his kidney. In a recent follow up appointment the doctor did an EKG test and his heart rhythms were those of someone who had survived a heart attack. I feel like my dad is falling apart, he is already diabetic and in remission from chronic leukemia. Which makes me worry that he won't make it long enough to know his future grandchildren, or to walk me down the isle . . . especially now that both seem so much further away than they did a few months ago.

And now, it's time for bed, to quote Scarlett O'Hara - Tomorrow is another day!

Church

2010-01-24T09:30:00.000-08:00

I have to work 8 hours today. This prevents me from going to either of the church services I would normally try to attend.

So I did church at home today. I prayed a couple prayers from A Jewish Woman's Prayer Book, specifically this one:

May it be your will, Lord our God and God of our forefathers, that you be filled with compassion for me and appoint me a spouse who is pleasant, God-fearing, a learned scholar, intelligent and of good character, ans successful and blessed in his study and in his dealings. For thereby we shall establish a [Christian] home, as you have commanded us in your holy Torah - "And you shall be fruitful and multiply." When the young man who is proposed to me is worthy, when he is God-fearing and has good traits and good luck and is right for me, then in your great compassion be gracious to me and incline my heart and the heart of my parents to complete the matter, that it may be well for us in this world and in the world to come.

Go who is full of compassion, merciful and gracious; Who protects, supports, delivers, is upright and redeems.

I prayed that prayer not long before I met Nathan . . . and I was hopeful from the beginning that he would be its answer - we started talking marriage and kids right off the bat and seemed to have so many values in common. It hurts me that he now thinks I could just easily move on from him and right on to the next guy. I know he is hurting right now, but it feels like he never knew me at all. I am in mourning for the loss of a relationship that I thought could be forever - it is by no means easy to let go of that dream and that hope . . . even though I know it was the right thing to do. I wanted (and in many ways still do) to spend the rest of my days as his help-meet, the sun rising and setting in his eyes . . . it's going to take me a while to get over that. I wish he knew how I am feeling, I wish I had some way to tell him, to show him. I wish I knew the way to soothe his anger and ease his hurt. But I am impotent and ignorant.

Anyway . . . I listened to some music for my private little church service too . . . probably not anything you would expect - but here are the songs I meditated on:

Tonight after work I am going down to my parents' house to just be away from Denver. To be away from the places where I'm most likely to find myself over thinking, and to be with my mom, in case I do start to cry again and need a shoulder. (Not long ago, Nathan was that shoulder . . . )

Heartbreaker?

2010-01-22T18:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know when or how it happened, but somehow I've become a heartbreaker.

Here I thought it was me who was the most hurt by the break up between Nathan and I, but I was wrong. It was him. And now he's walking away - even from being friends - because it hurts too much. And it's my fault. I never meant to hurt him, never wanted to hurt him, but I have. Deeply. And I don't know how to unbreak a heart.

In the end I know I have done the right thing. And that might be part of what makes this suck worse, that I don't want to undo it - I know that in the long run it is better for us to not be together. If we were to make it as far as getting married we would end up in a dead marriage or divorced. And there's a pretty good chance we'd end up having an even worse break up if I drew this out any longer. But right now he can't see that, and I don't blame him. I'm hoping that with time things will get better and we can be friends - but right now, he is just too hurt to do that. I'm praying for it.

And that is what killed us. I pray. I have serious doubts about the nature and existence of God, but I still believe in the value of church, the power of prayer and the lifestyle espoused in the Bible. He doesn't. He wasn't even willing to go to church with me just for Christmas and Easter and you can't build a marriage when you cannot share even the smallest piece of something that is a huge part of your life and history.

It was the right thing to do. But it still sucks harder than I ever would have imagined.

My love life is a Dyson.

What have I done?

2010-01-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

Did I make the right decision?

Did we make the right decision?

Should I try and fix things? Would he take me back if I did?

I keep trying to remind myself the reasons I knew two days ago that our relationship wouldn't work out in the long run, and that we should end it now to save ourselves further heartache . . . . but today I feel like I don't know anything. I just feel like a fool who may have let the man who loved her most in this world, her best chance at happiness, just walk out of her life.

I want to talk to him, to be with him, to hold him, to kiss him to spend the rest of my life loving him - that's all I ever wanted and now that is the one thing I cannot have . . .

I'm not sure you ever really get over your first love.

Cancel Relationship?

2010-01-10T23:25:00.000-08:00

I don't think anything sucks quite as hard as having to "cancel relationship" on facebook after a break up neither person wanted - but both knew was needed.

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here
There can be no denying
One of us is changing
Or maybe we've just stopped trying

And it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy
And I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy
And I feel like a fool

And it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
and I can't hide it
And I just can't fake it

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together
Don't you feel it too
Still I'm glad for what we had
And how I once loved you

But it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

Don't you know that I...
I just can't fake it
Oh it's too late my baby
Too late my baby
You know
It's too late my baby

Burt's Bees

2010-01-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

I am addicted to Burt's Bees lip balm, I love the honey, pomegranate and traditional bees wax formulations. But I think I am going to start using them more often in the future. Reading about the carcinogens in traditional shampoo and conditioner has me worried. I think I'm going to use some of my tax refund money to replace my current stuff with a full line of Burts Bees hair and skin care. I also think I'm going to invest in the full line of Physicians Formula organic make up. I already use Physicians Formula powder and foundation, but the mineral wear line, not the organics line - and I think I'm going to switch - the cost is comparable.

In other news - I really need to spend more time reading. I've had a whole week off from work and have only finished 5 books, 2 of which were picture books.

I'm anxious to hear more details about my grad school application and the interview process that should be upcoming. They said they would send more information out after the holidays, so I should be getting that info within the next 1 to 2 weeks.

The Compulsory New Years' Resolutions Blog

2009-12-31T15:53:00.000-08:00

10 years ago I was ringing in the new millennium here in Denver with my church youth group. Youthlink 2000. I remember telling a friend that I wanted to move to Denver (at the time I was living in a small town out in far eastern CO) and live in a loft apartment downtown. Well, ten years later part of that dream at least has been realized. I do live in Denver, in a pretty nice apartment, just not in a loft downtown.

So now is the time for setting new goals, new "resolutions" for the coming year, here are the things I'd like to accomplish:

Get accepted to grad school for MLIS, hopefully with a fellowship and/or serious scholarship money
Get a better paying job that would allow me to quit one or both of my two part-time jobs so I'll have more time for the aforementioned grad school
Live a more earth-friendly lifestyle - go "green"
Workout 3-4 times a week, every week
Eat more healthfully - and cook at home more often instead of eating out or eating re-heated freezer meals
Re-house train my dog to use a potty patch so she'll stop staining the carpet
Find a place with a real yard and my own washer and dryer to move in to before grad school

That's it, not much, I think I can accomplish most of them and will certainly do my best with those that are out of my control (like getting into grad school where the final decision is not up to me).

No, thank you!

2009-12-30T17:53:00.000-08:00

I do not now, nor will I ever want a Kindle!!

Was there a problem with books? Were books not portable enough as is?

I like that books are tactile. The most beloved in my collection smell musty and the pages have yellowed and the scent bring back memories of previously enjoyed readings.

I like turning pages.

I like the musty smell.

I like that my eyes don't start to tire the way they do when I, say, stare at this here computer for too long

Books don't give me headaches - even when I read in the car (when I'm not driving :P)

I LOVE BOOKS!

And for that reason, I will never, not ever want a Kindle (or any other e-book reader for that matter). So don't even ask, don't even offer - and don't dare give me one, because then I'll be stuck trying to figure out how to throw it away without appearing rude.

"'I wonder,' he said to himself, 'what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and deeds and battles. And sometimes there are storms at sea, or it takes you to strange cities and countries. All those things are somehow shut up in a book. Of course you have to read it to find out. But it's already there, that's the funny thing. I just wish I knew how it could be.'
Suddenly an almost festive mood came over him.
He settled himself, picked up the book, opened it to the first page, and began to read."

- The Neverending Story by Michael Ende

Status Report

2009-12-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

Worry, why do I let myself worry?

2009-12-28T10:13:00.000-08:00

I am really worried at the moment about my boyfriend. He hasn't been sleeping well lately, which has made him irritable and put a strain on our relationship. I am trying as hard as I can to keep things up beat and to communicate daily how much I care about him, but he still seems to be pulling away from me. I'm worried about his health and well-being, afraid he might be depressed and feeling powerless to do anything to help.

I wish there was more I could do. I wish I could wave a magic wand that would help him sleep. I wish I could be there to hold him and show him how much I care. I wish I could make the stress and the bad feelings go away.

It tears me up that I feel so impotent.

I love him so much and I just want to help make him happy and I hate that I can't seem to do that right now.

Faith and Community

2009-12-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

I am Christian, was raised Christian, almost my whole family is Christian.

My boyfriend is not.

It's a struggle, we both admit that. If anything breaks us up - it is the difference in our faith that will do it.

I have my doubts about God all the time, especially over the last 5 or 6 years. I've even seriously considered converting to Judaism. (Big problem with that - I work on Saturdays, often 13 hours - so much for Sabbath). I keep coming back to the idea that even if I am wrong, and there is no God, and therefore no need for salvation - I think I would still choose to live in Christian community. Because - when it is done right (and it often isn't) there is a support network there, a moral compass, an opportunity to serve others and to have one's burdens shared.

The biggest reason I considered conversion is not that I stopped believing in Jesus, but because I stopped believing in the people who claimed to know him. I see such strong community and family amongst the Jewish people I know. I want that. I see the same thing amongst many of my Mormon friends.

I want that. I want a community to be vital part of, and that will support me when I cannot support myself alone (which, frankly, is often - including now - despite my efforts to be completely self-reliant, I need other people).

I also want to live in a culture where family, education and love are highly valued - and I don't see that very much in the modern American Protestant church. Success, money, legalism (and the elitism that goes with it) - I see those all around.

So I guess Margaret and I are in a similar boat despite the decade that separates us in age.

Questioning is part of faith, and I never stop questioning . . .

Are you there, God?

2009-12-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

I've been reading Are You There, God? It's Me Margaret for my YA lit blog and I must say, Margaret's experience with adolescence is so very different than mine ever was. She wants to get boobs and get her period . . . by 6th grade I had boobs, and I was not a fan . . . and I got my period at the same time my mother before me had, and I've never liked it or looked forward to it.

Margaret is an odd duck.

Or maybe I am.

One Week

2009-12-26T12:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over, but my true holiday doesn't begin until the close of business today.

9 whole days with nothing to do but relax, spend time with family, my boyfriend, my friends and some good books.

Words cannot describe how much I am looking forward to sleeping in.

Sleep!

Blessed sleep.

How I have missed you.

Scrooged

2009-12-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

``At this festive season of the year, Mr Scrooge,'' said the gentleman, taking up a pen, ``it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the Poor and destitute, who suffer greatly at the present time. Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts, sir.''

``Are there no prisons?'' asked Scrooge.

``Plenty of prisons,'' said the gentleman, laying down the pen again.

``And the Union workhouses?'' demanded Scrooge. ``Are they still in operation?''

``They are. Still,'' returned the gentleman, `` I wish I could say they were not.''

``The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigour, then?'' said Scrooge.

``Both very busy, sir.''

``Oh! I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course,'' said Scrooge. ``I'm very glad to hear it.''

``Under the impression that they scarcely furnish Christian cheer of mind or body to the multitude,'' returned the gentleman, ``a few of us are endeavouring to raise a fund to buy the Poor some meat and drink, and means of warmth. We choose this time, because it is a time, of all others, when Want is keenly felt, and Abundance rejoices. What shall I put you down for?''

``Nothing!'' Scrooge replied.

``You wish to be anonymous?''

``I wish to be left alone,'' said Scrooge. ``Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, that is my answer. I don't make merry myself at Christmas and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned: they cost enough: and those who are badly off must go there.''

``Many can't go there; and many would rather die.''

``If they would rather die,'' said Scrooge, ``they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population. Besides -- excuse me -- I don't know that.''

. . . . .

I have loved Dicken's A Christmas Carol for some time, but this year it seems especially poignant. You see, this year many banks (and bankers) got their hides saved on the backs on America's largely middle-class tax payers. Yet, while they are enjoying their Christmas vacations on bonuses paid for with our tax dollars, they are simultaniously nickel and diming us into oblivion. The level of greed routinely demonstrated by the CEOs of the corporations that, sadly, run this country is frankly vomit inducing.

I am not a socialist, far from, I don't believe it is the government's job. But I am all for social justice, and think that many of the aforementioned bankers could do with visits from the Spirits of Christmas even more than our dear ficticious Scrooge did. Maybe a little shame, guilt, remorse would soften their hearts. Maybe they would cease to be "squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner[s]".

Maybe.

But probably not.

And that prospect leaves me feeling rather like George Bailey today. Worth more dead than alive.

A Poor Excuse For Picking a Man's Pocket . . .

2009-12-18T10:58:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at my desk near the end of my all too short lunch break and feeling very ready for Christmas holidays, two days off of work, one day back, and then a blessed 8 days of rest to ring in the New Year.

I need the vacation.

You take the low road, and I'll take the high road . . .

2009-12-17T20:36:00.000-08:00

The only books that influence us are those for which we are ready, and which have gone a little farther down our particular path than we have yet got ourselves.

-E. M. Forster

High Anxiety

2009-12-16T13:28:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been reading books about children's librarianship, non-fiction books about what I want to do. I've found some great resources in them and learned a few new tricks and tips that I can apply in the job I already have . . . but more than anything I realize that I already have the tools to be a great children's librarian - I just don't have the degree - the credentials or the contacts to do it.

So I got really anxious about my grad school application.

I turned everything in at the end of November, the due date was December 1, and I still hadn't heard anything. It's only been two weeks, I don't know why I would have, but nevertheless I got all anxious about it. So I emailed the professor in charge of program admission - she and I had already emailed once before, she's always quick to respond and super helpful - in short, my new favorite person.

She emailed me back to let me know that they would be sending out further information right after the New Year and schedule interviews for late February.

Phew!

My patience is so much greater when I have a deadline or a goal in sight - a date that's at least in the ball park . . . I get anxious when I don't have timelines.

Little House in the Big City

2009-12-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I would have what it takes to live off of the land like Ma, Pa, Mary, Laura and Baby Carrie did.

Sometimes I wish for a life that simple - to have small family, a small house, to make a living off the land and the sweat of our own brows.

But then I think I would miss the amenities of a big city . . . even though I very rarely get to take advantage of them . . . I would like to think that one day I would be able to go see the Broadway shows that come through town, go to professional sporting events, big concerts and festivals . . . someday.

In the meantime, it's just me and the wolves.

My Grown Up Christmas List

2009-12-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

Sure, peace on Earth would be great, no poverty or starvation . . . but for a moment of selfish indulgence, this is what I want from Santa this year:

- An alignment, timing belt, new all-weather tires, oil change, new wipers and body damage repairs for my car
- An iPod nano (to replace the one that was stolen earlier this year)
- New jeans (I don't have a single pair of jeans without a hole in them)
- A hair cut
- New sneakers
- A room in a house with a yard and a washer and a dryer
- A fellowship for grad school
- A week long visit from my boyfriend
- A raise
- A nap

Oh, okay - and peace on Earth.

Life, Love, Books . . .

2009-12-13T11:36:00.000-08:00

I'll admit, I don't have much of a life. I work long hours. Most of my close friends live states away. In fact, even my boyfriend lives two states away. The vast majority of my life seems to be about routine. The routine of work.

The one place in which I most frequently find escape (apart from sleep) is in books.

I work full-time with children for a local non-profit, teaching education programs and promoting early learning. I work part-time for another local non-profit, hanging out with middle schoolers, listening to their drama and hoping to provide a safe, fun environment and be a positive adult influence. I work part-time for a local university, helping with their recreational sports program, with adults who often act like the middle schoolers and pre-schoolers I spend the rest of my week with.

In short. I work. A lot. I'm tired.

To that end, I'm pursuing a master's degree to become a librarian.

Hopefully earning that degree will get me out of the cycle of working too hard and too long for too little pay and into a field I'm passionate about - where I can make a difference and make a living.

This blog is about that.

Pursuing my dreams. Pursuing love. And the books that carry me through along the way . . .